Thanks for this post. Sometimes I feel guilty for being resentful of my cousin who keeps abusing my mom’s generosity. She has habitually “borrowed” money from my mom, even promising to pay her back, but she never has. She has also “borrowed” money from my older brother, but he knows better than to expect the “borrowed” money to be returned. Several years ago, my cousin put a haphazard business plan together and requested my mom to finance the project. I was away, abroad when this happened, so I wasn’t aware of it. I found out a couple of years later that my irresponsible cousin took a vacation the first week of business on a trip to the beach and treated her friends to parties. She left the business with an in-law who naturally did not have the business’ best interests at heart. Needless to stay, the business went kaput and she has not paid my mom back. In fact, she is allowing my mom to support her child’s schooling, parties (yes, her child has to have parties to keep up with De la Cruzes), and who knows whatever else. I have asked my mom to ask for the school’s vouchers and pay the school directly, but I don’t think she has done so. She texts my mom every other week, to ask for money. My mom’s old already and she is set to retire soon. I don’t know how long my cousin will keep on doing this! My mom actually worries about her and wonders where my cousin will borrow from next.

I can’t control my mom’s attitudes towards my cousin. They can afford to lend my cousin money. My dad even says, “At least we’re in the position to lend; be thankful to God that we are not on the borrowing side of things.” He has a point. However, I feel they must draw the line between being charitable and being enabling. I probably would feel better if my cousin LISTENED to my mom’s advice, but she never does. Can you believe that? After all the generosity my mom has shown her, she has the gall to disrespect her that way. My relationship with my cousin is cordial at best.

Anyway, from reading your post, I can say that in the same situation, I probably would have acted the same way as my mom. I may have lived in a culture where people are more assertive (US), but I think I’m prone to spinelessness like my mother is. However, I believe it is time to break the cycle.

Unlike my mom, I do not have the means to support anyone else’s abuse. I am not really struggling financially, but I am only starting out and do not have enough money to lend. It hasn’t happened yet, but if my cousin asks me for money, I will know how to respond. Thanks again.

God bless.

I’m not saying that you should be selfish with your money. What I want people to realize is that they should not lend money which they cannot afford.

It’s hard to help your family and relatives financially if you, yourself is in a financial mess. Prioritize your own finances first.

Lastly, every situation is different – “needy and unlucky” can be subjective – some relatives DO NEED the financial help and you should give money IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT.

However, others, unfortunately, are only just taking advantage of your generosity. When it comes to people who are like this, it’s usually better to help them in another way.

If you truly care about your family / relatives, then you will go beyong “giving them fish” – you cannot just give them money whenever they need it, even if you can afford it.

You should, more than anything else, also “teach them to fish” – teach them how to manage their finances or help them find a job and seize income opportunities.

Just put yourself in the shoes of those who are poor, sick and hungry.

I’m not a marriage counselor but in my humble opinion, you should choose which is more important – your relatives or your husband.

I’m assuming that it is your husband and with that, you should side with him and be strict with your relatives when it comes to finances.

You cannot please everybody – and I believe that your marriage is more important than the bad words that your relatives will say to you.

The best way to refuse is to be honest, straightforward and firm. Tell them, “I’m sorry but I cannot give you money anymore. I want you to learn how to be financially responsible. I’m not being greedy, but I believe that this is for the best interest of everyone.”

Again, never mind the bad words that they will say. You know, deep inside you, that those bad words are not true – and that is what’s important.

I wish you all the best.

this tradition is putting my marriage on rocks. My husband is not pinoy and he cannot understand why our relatives always make “utang” and never pay back, especially if ur married to foreigner they think they can just ask money without the need of paying.

If you dont give naman, they say bad words to all relatives. I hope this tradition will change…. i just wish you can also blog about “the proper way of refusing your relatives in borrowing money”