What Do You Do When Family Members and Relatives Ask For Your Financial Support?
This article is posted under Life Lessons, Mindsetting, Personal Finance.
Filipinos have very close family ties and as a child, I was raised to honor this tradition.
And since this is a big part of our cultural upbringing, it is often considered inappropriate to decline giving financial support to family members and relatives.
I was able to talk to one of my friends regarding this issue.
I specifically asked for his reasons why he agreed to finance the education of one of his cousins despite the fact that he already having a difficult time being the sole breadwinner for both his parents and a younger brother.
He relates, “Nakakahiya kasing tanggihan ‘yung Tita ko, isa kasi siya sa mga nagpalaki sa akin ‘nung nasa ibang bansa pa si Nanay. Nakakaawa din naman ‘yung pinsan ko kung hindi makapag-aral eh matalino pa naman. Okay pa naman ang budget ko, kaya ko pa. Konting tiis na lang din naman ako kasi two sems na lang, graduate na ang ang utol ko at pag nakahanap na siya ng trabaho, makakatulong na rin siya sa akin.”
(I find it difficult to say No to my aunt. I feel indebted to her because she was the one who took care of me as a child when my mother was working overseas. I also pity my cousin because she’s smart and I don’t want to her to stop going to school. My budget can still manage it anyway. And besides, my brother will be graduating in two semesters. When he finds a job, he can finally help me.)
If you were in my friend’s situation, would you have done the same thing?
Lending out money or giving financial support to family members and relatives is often an emotional experience. Nevertheless, I think that we should learn how to handle the situation as objectively as possible. By letting our emotions and pity control our decisions, we could end up in our own financial mess.
A few weeks ago, I wrote an article on how to handle friends who borrow money. I recommend that you read that first before you proceed because most of the advise that I will dispense below are based from what was discussed in that post.
Going back to our topic, we now continue by asking ourselves this question: So how do we carry ourselves when faced with a family member or relative who’s asking for financial support?
If you’ve experienced being asked for money by a relative, I’m sure that you know that these situations typically start with the telling of a sad story. Listen with an open heart and empathize but do not promise anything. Show genuine concern and ask questions so that you’ll fully understand the circumstances that led them to ask for your help.
After that, tell them that you would need some time to think about it. Be clear that the reason why you’re asking them to wait is because you want to assess your finances. Make them understand that you’re currently not in the best position to commit to anything.
Furthermore, be sure to give them a reasonable date when you’ll have your decision and offer to be the one to call them on that day. Doing so will lessen their anxiety and likewise assure them that you are sincerely willing to help.
You’re next step is to naturally assess your own financial situation if you could afford to give your support. Again, we realize the value of tracking our expenses and the importance of having a personal budget.
You should also be aware that it may seem that you can afford to lend out the money now but don’t forget to consider your needs in the coming weeks or months.
Once you have thoroughly assessed your financial capabilities and found out that you could afford to extend your help, then arrange to make the payment directly to their need.
What does this mean?
In my friend’s case, rather than giving her aunt the money for his cousin’s tuition. He writes out a check payable to the school. Likewise, rather than giving his cousin allowance for books and other school requirements, he asks her to give him the list and buys them personally.
This will ensure that your hard-earned money is being put to proper use instead of being spent on unnecessary expenses.
Lastly, don’t expect to be paid back. Even though they might say that they will return the money someday, in most cases, it never happens.
Whatever financial support you extend should be considered a gift rather than a loan. This way, you avoid family rifts and unnecessary feuds. If you cannot afford to lose the money, then the best option might be to offer non-monetary support.
So what should you do if after seriously considering your personal finances, you found out that you cannot afford to help? How do you say NO?
First, make them understand your situation and explain to them your own financial goals. Be sincere and diplomatic.
Moreover, be willing to offer support in another way such as helping them find income opportunities and teaching them financial responsibility.
To restate a famous saying, “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime. But teach a man to sell fish and he will eat steak.” 
What are your thoughts about this topic? Kindly share them by giving your comments below.
Moreover, I shall be turning the tables around soon by teaching you how to properly borrow money from family, relatives and friends. To make sure that you don’t miss that article, subscribe to Ready To Be Rich.
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Photo courtesy of doc18
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Hi, my name is Fitz and this is my blog entitled, Ready To Be Rich.
discovered your site via your guest post at macuha.com. you’ve got quite an informative and interesting blog here. wish you more readers and clicks! btw, i subscribed via email.
Hi Lui. This is my flagship blog. It’s my own way of paying it forward for the graces I’ve received in my life. Thanks for the visit, your well wishes and for subscribing. I hope to hear more from you soon.
If they ask for financial support especially for education why not? Though sometimes we need to set some limitations to avoid “corruption” of other parties. Like in the case of your friend, he pays directly to the school. I must agree to that idea.
In this case, if you think you can afford all the finances then go ahead and do not expect to be paid back. If they pay you back, then thank them.
I believe in “Karma”, that whatever you do to others will get back to you as well.
Nice post Fitz. Very Pinoy!
Yes, I agree to your point. Another aspect to this is their dependence and abuse of your generosity, which I think is another thing you should consider before giving financial support.
Thanks Ambo.
You’re welcome brother. Stumbled!
Eeeeekkk!!! Hahahaha! Should I answer this question? Baka abutin nang Volume 9999 ang sagot ko! Hehehe!
First: bulyaw
Second: pangaral
Third: sori wala akong pera
hehehe
Hi reynz. I think you really have a lot of stories about this issue. Hehe.
Anyway, I’d suggest that you avoid saying that you don’t have money (remember the law of attraction), instead tell them that “you cannot afford to give them what they need.”
What percentage of your savings should you spend on loans to relatives without shortchanging them or yourself, in your opinion? For instance, if you have a savings of let’s say P1 million, is a P100,000 loan too much?
Hi Fitz,
this tradition is putting my marriage on rocks. My husband is not pinoy and he cannot understand why our relatives always make “utang” and never pay back, especially if ur married to foreigner they think they can just ask money without the need of paying.
If you dont give naman, they say bad words to all relatives. I hope this tradition will change…. i just wish you can also blog about “the proper way of refusing your relatives in borrowing money”
@pinaywife
I understand your situation. Your relatives must think that you have an endless supply of money because your husband is a foreigner.
I’m not a marriage counselor but in my humble opinion, you should choose which is more important – your relatives or your husband.
I’m assuming that it is your husband and with that, you should side with him and be strict with your relatives when it comes to finances.
You cannot please everybody – and I believe that your marriage is more important than the bad words that your relatives will say to you.
The best way to refuse is to be honest, straightforward and firm. Tell them, “I’m sorry but I cannot give you money anymore. I want you to learn how to be financially responsible. I’m not being greedy, but I believe that this is for the best interest of everyone.”
Again, never mind the bad words that they will say. You know, deep inside you, that those bad words are not true – and that is what’s important.
I wish you all the best.
Fitz, I don’t like the way you give your advice pertaining to this issue. You are actually propagating selfishness. You know what, I noticed that most people who tried hard to earn more money and save more money are selfish. Money is not everything. Earn more money, save more money, but by all means…always see to it that you set aside 30% of your income and treat it as “allowance for the needy and unlucky relatives”. This 30% is reserved for the relatives who want to borrow money (regardless whether they will pay or not), or the needy and hungry and sick people you meet along the way.
Just put yourself in the shoes of those who are poor, sick and hungry.
Hi Kelly,
I’m not saying that you should be selfish with your money. What I want people to realize is that they should not lend money which they cannot afford.
It’s hard to help your family and relatives financially if you, yourself is in a financial mess. Prioritize your own finances first.
Lastly, every situation is different – “needy and unlucky” can be subjective – some relatives DO NEED the financial help and you should give money IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT.
However, others, unfortunately, are only just taking advantage of your generosity. When it comes to people who are like this, it’s usually better to help them in another way.
If you truly care about your family / relatives, then you will go beyong “giving them fish” – you cannot just give them money whenever they need it, even if you can afford it.
You should, more than anything else, also “teach them to fish” – teach them how to manage their finances or help them find a job and seize income opportunities.
Nice! already bookmarked your blog and subscribed. ill be reading some more back topics in the next few days, thanks! Can anyone lend me some money please, i promise to pay it back
You teach people how to treat you. The very first time they ask you for money is what sets the limit. I am not a believer of loaning people money—–loaning to friends and family members particularly. For one, given the Pinoy culture that we are familiar with, chances are, your friend or relative will no longer pay you—–and it will definitely ruin your relationship. I would much rather give what I can afford to give as a gift and will not expect to be paid in return. Say they ask for $100 and I can only afford to give and lose $20, I’d say that “I can only afford to give you $20 as a gift, here take it and put it into good use, it’s a gift, I don’t expect that I’d be paid back”. Because the moment you give out money that you cannot afford to give out, you are lying not only to yourself but also to the people you care about. Also, pay yourself first. Make sure you have stashed money for yourself for the rainy days. If you won’t love and respect yourself first, who will? Most folks back home think that money grows on trees in the USA or overseas. And I’d say that you’d have to correct that notion early on. Otherwise, they might blackmail you emotionally and say something like they wouldn’t talk to you anymore, and the elder relatives might say that they won’t live that long and yet you don’t want to spare them some money which is just a small portion of your wealth, or they might say that you’re too selfish (though you just sent them 5 balikbayan boxes and a thousand bucks last month!), etc., etc.! It’s also good to let them know early on how hard life is overseas. If you always tell them good stuff, then they’d think money is easy and that you’re just unkind. And to the person asking if a 100 K loan is too much if you’ve got a million bucks, I’d say, firstly, how do you know how much asset the other person truly has? It’s inappropriate to count other people’s money. Secondly, how sure are you that the 100K loan would be repaid? As what was discussed here, loan only the money you can afford to lose(in short, you’re actually giving it out not loaning)—–so that when you don’t get paid back, you don’t ruin your relationship with your friend or relative. Now, can you afford to lose 100K? If so, that’s fine. Also, even if one has 20 million but he has a debt that hasn’t been paid yet amounting to 21 million, then technically, he really doesn’t have any money to give you. And lastly, people who claim “money is not everything” either don’t have money at all or have too much of it—–and in most case, it’s the former, so why listen to them? I am a big fan of sharing—–sharing what you can truly afford—–not in sharing the amount that your friend/relative demands for even if you cannot afford it; or sharing something just to be a big braggart.
To pinaywife, Why don’t you test and see for yourself how many of the people you’ve helped will help you back if the tables were turned and you were the one now needing money? My friend actually had enough of her money-sucking relatives. So she said that she’s so broke but have to pay up their electric bill. She asked three relatives (they are all working abroad now too) who she helped before for 100 bucks, only one gave her 50 bucks—–and after that incident, her relatives stopped asking money from her again! It might work for you as well! But if you pretend to act like everything is fine and you can afford their demands, then you’ll suffer the consequences for life most likely!
Hi Fitz,
Thanks for this post. Sometimes I feel guilty for being resentful of my cousin who keeps abusing my mom’s generosity. She has habitually “borrowed” money from my mom, even promising to pay her back, but she never has. She has also “borrowed” money from my older brother, but he knows better than to expect the “borrowed” money to be returned. Several years ago, my cousin put a haphazard business plan together and requested my mom to finance the project. I was away, abroad when this happened, so I wasn’t aware of it. I found out a couple of years later that my irresponsible cousin took a vacation the first week of business on a trip to the beach and treated her friends to parties. She left the business with an in-law who naturally did not have the business’ best interests at heart. Needless to stay, the business went kaput and she has not paid my mom back. In fact, she is allowing my mom to support her child’s schooling, parties (yes, her child has to have parties to keep up with De la Cruzes), and who knows whatever else. I have asked my mom to ask for the school’s vouchers and pay the school directly, but I don’t think she has done so. She texts my mom every other week, to ask for money. My mom’s old already and she is set to retire soon. I don’t know how long my cousin will keep on doing this! My mom actually worries about her and wonders where my cousin will borrow from next.
I can’t control my mom’s attitudes towards my cousin. They can afford to lend my cousin money. My dad even says, “At least we’re in the position to lend; be thankful to God that we are not on the borrowing side of things.” He has a point. However, I feel they must draw the line between being charitable and being enabling. I probably would feel better if my cousin LISTENED to my mom’s advice, but she never does. Can you believe that? After all the generosity my mom has shown her, she has the gall to disrespect her that way. My relationship with my cousin is cordial at best.
Anyway, from reading your post, I can say that in the same situation, I probably would have acted the same way as my mom. I may have lived in a culture where people are more assertive (US), but I think I’m prone to spinelessness like my mother is. However, I believe it is time to break the cycle.
Unlike my mom, I do not have the means to support anyone else’s abuse. I am not really struggling financially, but I am only starting out and do not have enough money to lend. It hasn’t happened yet, but if my cousin asks me for money, I will know how to respond. Thanks again.
God bless.
What if your relative is asking for money every payday for about 50-100 pesos? Most people can give this amount of money especially during payday. But i am sick and tired of this. My tita has a son abroad and her daughter is already working. I don’t really understand why she is doing this and I am having a hard time to refuse her. Any suggestion?
Eva, I have been in the same situation as you. My relatives have been receiving money from me every paycheck for a long time and I am finally going to end this nonsense once and for all. To help someone is good. But to give cash is not always good. Letting someone sleep on your couch because he lost his job is okay. Sending him money to pay his rent is NOT okay. If he cannot afford to pay his rent on his own then he should stay for free with a friend or relative. (This is just an example.) When you give CASH to people you have no power over how they spend it, and most of the time it will be spent on things that were not truly critical. This can frustrate you and make you miserable. Also, sending cash ‘enables’ the person receiving the cash to live carelessly as that person knows she can always fall back on you for money if she spends her money unwisely. People who receive cash handouts tend to become dependent and ungrateful over time. This is not healthy!! You cannot afford to support the whole world. People have to work and pay their own bills. Everyone does. I would explain this to your relative when you tell her that you cannot continue to send her money forever. Take care. -Burt
Why is it expected that people that shared the same womb share the same wallet? These are truly ‘involuntary’ financial relationships and people should not feel trapped by them. People truly in need should be helped, but then must learn to help themselves. Often the ‘trouble’ people are in is of their own making, and many of these relatives that ask for money are repeat offenders. I have run into situations where relatives that are alcoholics etc. keep falling into the situations brought about by these personal problems. Even when family has tried to help out through intervention, they have refused. They perfer to be given the fish rather than be taught to fish. This is the point at which they should be cut off. I feel that for the hardship they can place on others, they have no right to refuse intervention help. There are no rights, just responsibilities, and the privileges that go with them.
Those that are trying to get money will try every avenue, they will play the ‘family’ card, the ‘kids’ card and the ‘religion’ card all trying to get to you, after making their own messes time and time again. Some bleeding hearts go for it, and those are the ones that get hit up most.
My Good Book says ‘Bank of America’ on the front.
Ypur site is so informative. It gave me new insights onhow to handle “awkward situations” . Thank you and more power!
This is an interesting article. When my father was alive, I had no problem whatsoever to give as much money as he needed, and then as much as he didn’t need. However, with my father I had a wonderful relationship so money was never an issue.
Fast forward a few years, and now I am married expecting our first child, and extended family in the Philippines have heard through the grapevine and my husband and I are doing very well. We make a decent living, but I believe most of our properity comes from having a strict budget, making sacrifices and planning for the future.
So what angers me the most, because we plan and save for an uncertain future, it is assumed because we don’t live paycheck to paycheck, we should be in a position to share our savings. I have found that all of the relatives who are asking us for money, including relatives that live in the US, are in have financial burdens because of poor planning. From my observation, those most in need usually don’t ask. They make more sacrifices to make ends meet.
If you need money for food or rent, why do you own a designer bag or go on fancy vacations or gamble at casinos.
I have savings because I sacrifice by having a very small spending budget, I make my meals at home or buy in bulk using coupons. I do not understand that if I am able to make these sacrifices, why cannot others make the same sacrifices?
We have given a lot of money and resources to our family, but it seems that they are aleays in need giving them money has only made them dependent on our income. I will admit, saying no to family sends me into a guilt driven stressful state. Then I realize, I don’t need to ask for money from others because we plan, save and make sacrifices. I am glad to see other Filipinos feel the same way.
I am very sad to have to refuse my cousins, but when I see them with iPhones I have to remind myself they made the choice for the TV or the phone over saving or necessities.